The Fathering Life

This sermon was preached on June 3.  I wanted to do a sermon that celebrating the fathering instincts that we all have.  Since I am to be away on the actual official Father's Day, I moved up my sermon to Trinity Sunday.  Here it is.

“The Fathering Life”                                                        John 3: 1-17

by Rev. Dr. Christine Johnson

For those who might be confused by my title,

                I gave a sermon on Mother’s Day called “The Mothering Life.”

And so, to be fair, I felt the need to prepare a parallel sermon called “The Fathering Life.”

My premise, in the first sermon,

                was to explore the quality of mothering that transcends gender.

All of us, male and female, married or single, are called to be mothers at some point in our lives.

As Christians, as disciples seeking to be at one with God,

                what does our faith say to this way of being? 

For more details, I have it posted on my blog, which is available through our website.

I felt so compelled to honour my commitment

                that I’m preaching this sermon today because I won’t be here on Father’s Day.

So fair’s fair and here I am and all I can say is this,

                “Am I out of my cotton pickin’ mind??!!”

I mean, as much as mothering can transcend gender,

                I’m still a woman and a mother.

In writing about The Mothering Life,

                I have an intimate knowledge of my subject matter.

When it comes to the topic of today, I have to admit that I found myself floundering.

Yes, I have a dear father, and I’ve known lots of fathers,

                but what is at the heart, the core of the fathering life?

And how is it different from mothering?

These are tough questions and I have to acknowledge

                I’m not sure I’ve discovered anything conclusive.

I’m grateful, however, for the help of my friends,

                who have graciously tried to offer their perspectives.

What struck me first off is that fathers don’t have to talk in order to communicate.

Love and relationship can happen at the foot of a car engine,

                or out in a field,

                or while you’re driving in a car each looking out opposite windows.

The fathering life is about togetherness that simultaneously honours difference.

For my husband James, who is also a father to three boys,

                you can identify fathers by the way they help their children build their Cub cars.

There’s the father that let’s their child do it all themselves.

There’s the father that does it all for the child, so that it’ll be perfect.

And then there’s the father that shows the child how to use the proper tools,

                and has the wounds to prove they held the car while the child used those tools.

You can always tell, says James, which children with their cars belong to which fathers.

So fathers, I believe, are the ones that show us the tools of life.

It could be a wrench, or a screwdriver,

                or it could be a computer or a book.

The fathering life, in a Christian sense, is about teaching the skills

                and then allowing the child to make mistakes. 

If you’re thinking, well mothers do that too,

                I agree, although I might frame it differently.  

When women take on this role,

                they’re actually moving from the mothering life into the fathering life.

So a single mom,

                who one day takes care of her child seeking the intimacy that mothers crave,

                will also sometimes have to be the keeper of the tools,

                                the teacher and the guide.

There will be days when working on a project together,

                without a lot of idle chatter.

I know this is a bit of a puzzle,

                kind of like our reading for today.

Nicodemus comes to Jesus acknowledging him as a wisdom teacher.

Jesus tells Nicodemus that no one can know the kingdom of God

                without being born from above.

Nicodemus takes this literally,

                wondering how anyone can be born again.

Jesus corrects him, however,

                when he says this birth is about water, a symbol of new life,

                and the spirit, a symbol of the breath that sustains life.

For me, fathering is the way of the spirit,

                in which the tools for learning about life are constantly being renewed.

That’s why single men and women who have never given birth to a child,

                or who have never been guardians of a child,

                can still participate in the fathering life.

For when we are in relationship with another person,

                and we’re willing to share our tools and teach others how to use them,

                it allows their spirit to be re-born to new possibilities.

Fathers are always helping us to see new vistas,

                to forge unknown rivers,

                to build bridges of care and concern.

When we think of God as a father, this is the characteristic that comes to mind.

God, through the Spirit, is always inviting us to be better human beings.

And that’s why fathers who have hurt their children

                have not lived the fathering life.

If fathers put their own needs and wants before the children of the world,

                they are not helping them build anything, let alone a Cub car.

If fathers ignore their children, or are intent on controlling their children,

                this is just bullying masquerading as parenting.

Fathering, in a spiritual sense, is so much more nuanced 

                than telling your children what they should think and do.

Fathering is about helping others see that love is the only tool

                that leads to eternal life.

Fathering is not about judgement or condemnation,

                but healing.

My brother-in-law, who I’ve always known as a doer rather than a talker,

                once told me something I’ve never forgotten.

He was lucky enough to live just down the road from his own mother and father.

As they aged, his father had serious health problems.

When my brother-in-law retired from teaching,

                he was able to visit them almost every morning

                                in order to have a coffee sitting around their kitchen table.

He told me, “You know, a lot of people talk about quality time as opposed to a quantity of time. I think they have that backwards.  I think it’s about quantity, just taking the time to be together.”

As I said in my other sermon,

                I’m not trying to put a guilt trip on anyone,

                                and I know that we have more time at different stages of our lives.

No one is perfect, nor am I suggesting that perfection is our goal.

These ideas are guideposts along the way of life,

                as we all work together to heal the world.

I believe that fathering,

                this skill which helps to open the space between two people and allow us to develop,

                is very undervalued in our world.

We often want the quick fix,

                the instant answer,

                the simple remedy,

                                rather than discerning what’s really important in life,

                                and allowing it to unfold in its own good time.

I can’t help but think of my own father who knew how to hold the space together,

                and when things sometimes fell apart,

                                he never fell apart.

Somehow, God gave him the strength and the courage and the wisdom

                to know when to speak and when to stay silent.

To me, this is the greatest gift the fathering life has to offer all of us. 

Not to be silent and stoic for the sake of appearing strong, that’s not my point.

But, to be willing to be open to the spirit,

                so that love can build what is truly eternal.

There have been so many men and women in my life who have shown me this.

And for that, I am so grateful.

This is how I experience God the father,

                as opposed to God the mother.

The fathering life, like the mothering life, is a life of love,

                but in a different way.

A mother doesn’t want any space to separate her from her children

                and a father knows that space is an absolute necessity.